White Lilies
by SternenDisaster
Summary: Atsushi looked at the grave in front of him. White lilies decorated it, leaving a peaceful feeling behind. Now where Atsushi remembered, Dazai died with a smile. Kunikida, who found his partner's corpse, told him that a gentle smile was plastered on his face.


Tears poured down his cheeks, as he tried to restrain them. He didn't deserve to cry. Not when he was the one at fault. How could he just let that happen?

 _How could he let Dazai die?_

It was his fault alone. If he just knew what Dazai planned then he maybe could have saved him. Why was he so ignorant? Dazai always talked about suicide and always tried many methods. But he failed so much, that Atsushi started believing, that he wouldn't really kill himself. How pathetic, just because he was to pretty to get out of his happy illusion, Dazai needed to die. Because maybe, _maybe Dazai wanted help._

And maybe, _maybe Atsushi could have been the help._

But he wasn't. And now he never would be.

Atsushi looked at the grave in front of him. White lilies decorated it, leaving a peaceful feeling behind. Now where Atsushi remembered, Dazai died with a smile. Kunikida, who found his partner's corpse, told him that a gentle smile was plastered on his face. He wondered why his mentor smiled. Was he really at peace? Happy with everything? Or did he smile because he finally could escape everything? Because he finally could leave his personal hell behind? Atsushi didn't want to believe it. That his mentor died because he suffered.

But he needed to comfort the truth, because there was no way, that Dazai would have loved to die, to leave the person he loved behind.

 _Nakahara Chuuya._

Atsushi closed his eyes, as he asked himself how Chuuya would feel. By now the Mafia should have heard of their former member's death. He was sure, Chuuya would be suffering. Suffering because of Atsushi's selfishness.

He could have saved him, but he didn't.

And now Chuuya would be never able to tell Dazai that he loved him. And they would never be able to be together.

 _And it was all Atsushi's fault._

And not just Chuuya, also Ryuuno... Akutagawa. Akutagawa was Atsushi's lover, but to be honest, Atsushi didn't deserve him at all. And Akutagawa didn't deserve a mentor killing boyfriend. He deserved better and once Akutagawa found out, they would break up. After all Dazai was also Akutagawa's mentor and just one little word of praise from Dazai meant the world to Akutagawa.

But now he never would get a compliment, would never by acknowledged by Dazai.

 _And everything was Atsushi's fault._

Slowly Atsushi's eyes wandered to the portrait of his mentor. The brown eyes looking directly at him, piercing through him, made Atsushi's legs shake. Why? Why?

 _Why?_

He slowly slide down onto his knees, still looking at the picture. He should have died. Not Dazai, no one, but him. Because he deserved it, because it was his fault. Dazai should have lived on, so many people would have been happier.

 _Everyone would have been happier._

But now he was alive instead of Dazai and it _sickened_ him.

"I..."

 **They're right, the people of the orphanage.**

"I... I should just..."

 **It was all his fault. His mere existence just hurt everyone around him.**

 _"...I should just die in a dark pit."_

A loud clap sound resounded through the area.

* * *

He just arrived and naturally the first thing he needed to hear, was his lover believing he needed to die in some pit. He didn't know why Atsushi thought that and frankly put, he didn't care. Because it didn't matter why, eventually Atsushi would be wrong.

Because he was one of these people, that Akutagawa believed to be worthy and deserving of live more than everyone else. But it didn't seem that Atsushi knew that and it definitely didn't seem like Atsushi would stop talking about that nonsense. So he did the only thing, that he could think of.

He slapped Atsushi.

It didn't matter that Chuuya was standing behind him, whistling at the slap. Neither did it matter that they were in front of his former mentor's grave. Even though it should have mattered it didn't. The only thing that mattered was that Atsushi would understand.

Atsushi looked up at him and Akutagawa could see it. The guilt in his lover's eyes. Why was he guilty? Because he talked like that about himself, knowing Akutagawa didn't like it? No, Atsushi never felt guilty talking like that about himself. He believed it to be true - that he needed to die. Even though everyone told him that he was stupid for thinking like that.

 _But still, why was Atsushi feeling guilty?_

"Atsushi... Why are you feeling guilty?"

His lover's eyes widened in shock and Akutagawa couldn't hold it against him. Akutagawa himself knew that he didn't understand much about emotions. But guilt was an _exception_.

 _As it was the only emotion he could see in Dazai's eyes, whenever he looked at Akutagawa._

His focus shifted back to his kneeling lover, who averted his gaze. With a quiet sigh he sat down besides his boyfriend and and took him in his arms. He wasn't one to show affection in that way, but he figured once in a while couldn't be that bad.

"Atsushi, why are you feeling guilty?"

The same question was asked a second time, but this time an answer found it's way back.

"Because it's my fault."

Before he could say anything, Chuuya snorted and even though Akutagawa couldn't see him, he was sure Chuuya also rolled his eyes.

"Come on, kid. You mere existence can't be the fault for everything. We all know it's almost always Dazai's fault."

Even though it wasn't probably the nicest thing to say whilst standing before Dazai's grave, he couldn't help but agree. His old mentor was always there when fate decided to fuck things up.

"Bu-"

"One word more and I shove a wine bottle down your throat."

Atsushi didn't dare to speak after that and Akutagawa didn't see a reason to complain. He knew Chuuya wouldn't do it.

He laid his hand on his lover's head and caressed his hair.

"Atsushi... Chuuya is right. You're not the one at fault. How did you even get the idea that you are?"

"... But I... I should have known he would... It's my fault," He sobbed.

"We all should have, Atsushi."

Both lovers looked at Chuuya who spoke the words. He looked at the ground, his eyes hidden by his hair.

"But we didn't. And you know what?"

Both tensed, wondering what his next sentence was.

"He wouldn't have wanted that we knew."

"What...," Atsushi mumbled, not knowing what Chuuya meant.

"Because he knew we loved him and if he still decided to go and die then because he wanted to." _And not because he suffered_ , where the unspoken words.

Atsushi looked at the ground, tears pouring down once again. So the smile was a peaceful on in the end. Slowly Akutagawa stood up and Atsushi followed his steps. Atsushi's gaze wandered once again to the picture of his mentor. He was grinning on it, clearly looking happy.

"Damn, I'm sure that idiot is grinning and laughing at us from where he is."

Akutagawa could hear the bitterness in Chuuya's voice and he was sure Atsushi did as well. Since they were here both, he and Chuuya, didn't cry once. As mafia members they were used not to, but he was sure Chuuya tried his best to restrain himself. Because there were moments, even they couldn't stop themselves. He was sure if Atsushi were to die, he wouldn't be able to keep it up. Without noticing Akutagawa held onto his lover's hand. But he wouldn't let Atsushi die. Never. Looking at his old mentor's, at Dazai's portrait and the white lilies surrounding it, he was sure of one thing.

White lilies didn't fit Dazai at all and yet they did.

 _Because he was far from innocence and purity, but at the same time the whole embodiment of passion and faith._


End file.
